Thank you

Dear Raymus, thank you for always being so sweet.
After jiejie has slept just now, you waited for me outside the toilet door while I was applying the steroid cream on my eczema. I asked you to go ahead to sleep and you told me jiejie slept already and you wanna give me a massage.
I squated down and you grasp my shoulder with your small hand, squeezing them firmly and doing the punching motion gently but with some force. I see you looking sad and asked why you look sad. You said because I need to do so many things. "Like help jiejie find her things just now and you got so many rashes."
I was very touched. My tears started rolling in my eyes. You are so young but you are always so sweet and sensible.
Last month when we were at Tokyo. It was already very late. Jiejie was already sleeping like a pig and daddy went out to the laundromat coz there isn't one in the hotel. I was washing the socks in the hotel toilet. I know you were very tired but you insisted on acompanying me and wanting to help me. You were very happy to be able to help when I told you that you can just help me by pouring a bit of soap on the smelly socks that are in hands. It warms my heart as you were standing beside me, trying to help me. You are 6 years old but always so nice and sweet.
Sometimes i still felt very depressed. There were time when I felt like giving up. Sucked in the dark hole again. You are the one in my thought that I can't bear to let go. As always, you are the one who I push myself to be strong.
Thank you didi... mummy loves you alot. Really alot alot alot...

Did u slept well?

It warms my heart when my son comes to my room and lays beside me in bed every morning ; and then ask "Mummy, did u sleep well yesterday night?" when he sees me awake.
We both have eczema and he have itchy difficult nights like me. I have never asked him such questions. It's so sweet and sensitive of him to show such love and concern at such young age, I felt so guilty.  ;)

Dear son, thank you for telling me "Mummy, I love you soooooo.... much" everyday and every night. Thank you for giving me self-worth when I'm in doubt of myself.

As I always tells you, I love to the universe and deep under the ground.

Godsend

Thank God for sending me Angel.

He who does funny things to make me happy.

He who hugs me for no reason everyday.

He who tells me - he loves me more than I love him. 

He who reminds me to wear a smile and says I look so pretty in it.

He who still accepts me for who I am even though I snap and throw temper at him.

He whose innocence brings me to earth and gives me sanity when fighting the depression monster. 

Raymus dear, thank you for always being by my side.

Like a godsend.

Thank you for frantically looking for tissue when you see me tears. 

Thank you for your generous hugs when I needed one. 

For you, I stay strong.

For you, I am still alive and in existence. 

Thank you my little Angel.

Love you to the moon and back million, billion, trillion times (as you always say),

Mummy 

I miss me

There's time when I feel so down,
I wished end of the world happens now.
I just wanna be wrapped in a shell,
Or just be alone in some dark hole.
Who can decifer the sadness behind my smile,
Or the loneliness even when friends are around.
Why is the day so gloom when the sun is burning,
Why am I tearing together with the sky when it's raining?
When oh when, will my old self be back.
Please oh please, I really miss the old me.

...

It feels so real as you put your arms around me.
The sense of security and infatuation is so strong as I stand beside your warm body.
I felt butterflies in my tummy like during the sweet courtship.
The feeling of love and being in love which I have long lost that feeling.
Although it was just for a short moment which I woke up from it.
Thank you for appearing and holding me.

The Day

Hubby will be back from Germany today.
Whether the family will break up or make up.
I think today will be The Day.

Ah nio, please give us your blessings.

Biggest joke of the year

Strong troop. Shattered family.
Biggest joke of the year.

Deja vu

It felt so deja vu.

Only it feels like we are switching role which happened 9 years ago.

And I clearly remember sitting at the bench of Kallang River and he told me he's confused and he don't know if he still loves me. And how my heartache. And how I eventually gave him the love he needed to recover although the hurt was so much for me to bear.

And now its my turn to be confused because for quite some time back I started to doubt if I still love him. Because most of the time, its just me and the kids. Because everyday we talked for less than 10 sentence. Because watsapp is only sent when we need to tell each other essential information. Because we have such different thinkings. Because I feel the drift and aloofness. Because sometimes I feel so down and lonely. And I think I have depression. And its the kids that keeps me going.

I remembered he told me, "Pls stay beside me, only you can help me to recover"
I dunno if I'm lucky enough to receive the love from him like how I gave him the love to recover 9 years ago.

But God is fair. She gave me 2 lovely kids who constantly reminds me how important I am to them. Maybe God knows I might not receive the love from him to recover. She gives me the love in another form to keep me strong.

Yesterday, I chanced upon a FB account posting alot of strong and positive paragraphs. And I suddenly felt a sense of calmness although some of the wordings made me cry. Like :

Sometimes when I say I'm OK,
I want someone to look me in the eyes,
hug me tight and say
"I know you're not"

And the paragraph which left me the deepest impression:

A man is strong when he has something to protect.
He is weak if he has nothing to protect.
And he is totally broken when he has something that he can't protect.

Couldn't agree more.

Its OK

I cried in front of Didi today.
"Why you got tears?"
I wiped away my tears and asked for a hug from him.
Gave me a hug spontaneously and said "Its OK. Later your tears come out again ah..."

Thank you Didi.

Really.

Its OK.
For you, for Rainie.
Its OK. Nothing else matters.

因为你是我持续心跳的唯一理由

Aloofness

Everyday, I hug and kiss the kids like its my last hug and kiss to them.
No one knows what will happen later.

Any sad song can just easily make me cry now

Am listening to a link hubby saved in the favourite. And my tears just kept flowing and flowing.

Today marks the first day of the close-to-1-year course that hubby is going. I feel happy for him, yet sad that he will be away for 1 year.

I did not cry at the airport. Coz I didn't literally see him off at the departure area. My FIL and I went off earlier as hubby and his frenz moved off to McDonalds. I cried when I went to bed, sms-ing hubby before his boarding. Its hard on me, but I know, its even harder for him.

I hope he'll stay thru the entire course and make it through. Hubby, jia you... You can make it. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going...

Wiffy and baby will be looking forward to your return. Muackz...

Yuxin's 2nd day in childcare

So... the Bedok CC talentplus class was full;
The newly opened echoey environment at Cherie Hearts at Bedok is not very ideal for Yuxin;
The childcare that I prefered - MFC is full and gotta wait till December.
Yuxin is bored at home, walking around, watching and listening to nursery rhymes.
Thus hubby and I decided to put Yuxin at Smartz Playhouse.

Hubby brought her to register yesterday and started her program on the same day. I think they reached there close to 10am, stayed there for ard 1 hour plus to settle on some registration stuffs. Then went home for her to sleep. Then 2pm, hubby brought her for her 5-in-1 3rd injection, went back to Smartz after that and left Yuxin there.

Hubby fetched me from work and we went to fetch her together. When we reached, I saw her standing at the entrance crying coz some parents came to fetch their kids. Poor Yuxin, she must be thinking where is her Papa and Mama. Heard from Ms Koh that Yuxin has been very brave considering that it's her first day. She could play, sing and dance with the other kids and teacher.

Today is her 2nd day and FIL drove us there this morning. She was clinging on to me and FIL in the center, wanting us to carry her. I think she knows that we're gonna leave her there. The teacher distracted her with a box of toys and we sneaked away. It was heart wrenching. Felt as though I've abandon her there although she's there to learn and play. Sigh... Yuxin, Mama and Papa loves you ok?

Hope tomorrow will be a better day for her.

Fun at The Polliwigs

Alright, here to share my trip to The Polliwigs which I was mentioning in my previous entry.

It was a very nice place to bring kids to build their motor skills and run around. They had a cosy corner where there's magazine racks and even an internet corner for parents to relax while the kids have their fun. Rainie was so excited when she saw the 3-tiers colorful playground, she was pointing and nodding her head, can't wait to set her feet into it.

We paid $8 for 2 hours of fun, which hubby and I thought was quite worth it.

This is Rainie's favourite corner. Pardon for the blur pics as I've forgot to bring camera and took it with my hp =(



And here's more photo of her enjoying the fun.





Rainie was all so tired after that. We reached home around 4pm, she fell asleep after having her milk. I had to wake her up at 6.30pm for bath and dinner.

We'll definitely revisit the place again =D

Its been soooooo long

Wow, its been so long since I last updated this blog. Well, I've been so lazy to update the blog, especially from Nov to March since hubby was outstationed in Afg. I was all alone to look after Rainie myself at night. I'm glad I had a nice and helpful parents-in-law who had been helping me to look after her during hubby's absence.

Anyway, little Rainie had started to walk recently ard her 16th months. And I guess its time for her to go attend some playgroup to learn things and social with other kids. She had been notti, mischevious and 古灵精怪... Hubby and I are worried that she might beat the kids in school coz she always slap us for no reason -_-|||

Well, initially I thought of sending her to weekend gym class. And so last Thursday we brought her to My Gym at Parkway for a trial class, and another trial class last Sunday at Gymboree. I personally prefered Gymboree coz I felt it was more lively with more kids. Hubby prefered My Gym as the class was smaller with more facilitators, 5 kids, 3 faciliators versus 13 kids, 1 facilitator at Gymboree. Anyway, after much researching, I realise we can actually bring her to this kinda playgym to build her motor skills at cheaper price at alot of places. Like Polliwigs, Explorerkid, Go-Go-Bambini, etc. . So, now I'm thinking of enrolling her at Julia Gabriel which Sylvia recommended me. I shall bring her to a trial class at Julia Gabriel next month when Rainie turns 18 months.

I'm also torn between Talentplus and My First Skool at Bedok. Tsk... One is 2 hour program while the other is whole day childcare. But I think most probably will put her in Talentplus coz I really don't bear to let her stay in the childcare the whole day although she could learn more things over there with longer hours.. Sigh... Dilemma...

Shall not rant so much over a mummy's woes. Am planning to bring Rainie to Polliwigs to explore this Saturday. I'm so excited coz from their website, it looks fun and there's a nice and cosy corner for parents too !

OK, will update again (if I'm not lazy) on my trip to Polliwigs.

Extreme tiredness X_X

I'm so super tired. Its been such a long time since I last sleep through the night. Not having enough sleep everyday. I feel like I'm wasting very fast. Feeling like my "battery" level is reaching the thin red line.

The night before, Yuxin kept waking up every 2 hour. Yesterday night, she woke up at 11.30pm fussing again. I was already super tired from the night before's torment. I latched her on, and placed her on bed as usual, thinking that she had fallen asleep. But she was so unsettled and started her fuss again. I latched her again, then placed her in yaolan this time thinking it might help her settle down since I am so super tired to coax her. But she kept fussing and crying. And then I took her off yaolan and tried rocking her to sleep. But she kept struggling as I carried her. This continued for 1 hour and she was still not asleep yet. I was so tired and frustrated. Hubby was outside with his campmates, I called him, no one picked up. I redialled and redialled, I think more than 10 times and when he finally picked up the phone, I wanted so much to tell him I was so super tired trying to make baby sleep. But instead I asked him what time he'll be coming back, baby is notti, only to get a reply "I'm coming back soon". Soon? How soon? Half and hour? One hour?

I cried after I hanged up. Frustrated and tired. I cried to Yuxin, asked her to sleep as mummy is tired. She looked at me in the dark, as if understanding me, I carried her in my arms on the bed and she finally fell asleep at around 1am. Hubby was back in time... after all the ordeal...

I have been doing quite a bit of online purchase. Online shopping seem to be a way of helping me destress. It somehow helped me not think of the tiredness in me, keep me awake in office and keep my spirit high while looking for good and useful buys.

I recently ordered an ergo carrier that many mummies raved about, despite that I have a Bjorn carrier. Total damage $177.50 including a sucking pad. Hubby will be away for a very long time in a few months' time, so I thought it will be better if I get a good carrier so I can bring Yuxin out alone and not get backache or shoulder ache when he's not around.

The thought of him not around for 4 months makes me doubly sian. Now I try to do everything myself so I'll get used to it when he's not around. Cleaning and washing up the toys during weekend, coaxing baby to sleep, etc. So I don't really mind when I'm busy with the cleaning, washing and coaxing while he's playing his online games. Sometimes when he offered to help on cleaning, I'll reject or rather him to play with Yuxin instead. He won't be around in another few months' time, won't have much time to bond with Yuxin and I'll be doing these myself anyway.

Sigh... All I want for birthday is sleep...

My baby is 2 month

Time flies, my baby is 2 month old already. And I'll be going back to work next month.

Kinda grown attached to the baby; seeing her smiling at me when I talk to her and her 可怜兮兮 look when she want somebody to carry her. She never fail to put a smile on my face everyday though she makes me angry at times with her nuisance crying, as I dunno what she wants.

Am kinda sad that she failed her hearing test on the right ear. Gotta do a detailed test next month to see what's exactly the problem =(

Here's a picture of her in 喜怒哀乐 look though her 哀 is not really very sad look la

I'm back

It's been a long time since I last log in. Been busy busy busy, tiring tiring tiring after I've gave birth on 14-Jan to my baby girl, Rainie; we prefer to call her by her chinese name, 雨芯 . Here's a sweet little pic of her at 6th week



I went for cesarean on 14-Jan coz Rainie was in breech position. I woke up at 4.30am to bath before going to the hospital since we're supposed to reach there around 6am. I was pushed to the operating theatre around 7.15am, waited outside the theatre for I think around 20mins. I felt calm and excited at the same time coz I'll be able to see my baby soon. Around 7.45am, I was pushed into the operating theatre. They started to put me on drip, insert catheter, administer epidural, draw a "curtain" in front of my chest to block the butchery view from me, and finally, asked hubby into the theatre. Everything was bearable except for the side effect of the epidural coz I was shivering like crazy. A few minutes after the anesthetician administered the epidural, I started to shiver. Hubby thought I was nervous when he sat beside me coz I was shivering very hard as I held hubby's hand. After alot of shivering and teeth clattering, I heard a loud "woo-ehh... woo-ehh...", baby is out! Shortly, hubby carried the baby to my chest, I was still shivering like mad, but was glad that baby is finally out and looks so lovely. =D

I did confinement at my mum's house. Confinement was a torture coz I was only allowed to bath with herbs occassinally. The confinement food and longan red-date tea somehow made me kept perspiring. I couldnt get used to it and my head was so damn itchy. Fan was also a no-no coz wind will go into our body. I was down with a fever due to engorgement, lucky hubby was always there for me, helping me massage my breast with hot towel. Thank you hubby for being so understanding, supportive and always being there for me; helping, comforting and reassuring me. I'm glad that you're with me.

Hubby and me had to bring baby for blood test every 3 to 5 days due to jaundice. It finally went down to a low level after we gave her formula milk coz it was diagnose as milk jaundice. Phew...

Motherhood had been tiring but fulfiling. Tiring coz I have to express out the milk every few hourly and look after the attention-demanding baby. But seeing her growing up everyday and looking at her cute little face always bring a smile on me. All the tiredness are worth it.

Gotta log off now. Baby's feeding time. I'ver created a multiply account for my dear daughter http://rainieteo.multiply.com. Have a look at it if you're interested.

Ciao~

Food poisoning T_T

Kenna food poisoning on Sunday night. Guess its the prata I ate that made me so sick. Didn't sleep the whole night on Sunday as the regular tummy ache was killing me. I thought I could ta han and tried to sleep, but the pain just became so acute that I was crouching, sitting up in bed. In the end, I woke my parents-in-law at 4am and drove to TMC as I was worried that its contraction. I vomitted before leaving the house to TMC and could see the yellow/orange colour curry sauce liquid ~_~

Reached TMC, was put on CTG for 1 hour to monitor if there's contraction, luckily there wasn't. Was given some diarrhoea and gastric pills. Vomitted in car again on the way back, luckily I brought plastic bag along. Was already 6am by the time we reached home. Super tired T_T, didn't sleep the whole night.

Felt slightly better yesterday though the gastric pain is there on and off, but at least the pain is not so bad as the night before. Totally had no appetite to eat. Tried to eat mee-tai-bak in the morning so that the little one in me can have something to "eat" as well, and it took me more than half an hour to finish a small bowl of it T_T Went to my gynea in the afternoon and was given 3 days MC.

Tried to sleep in the afternoon after I came back from the clinic around 4pm plus as I didnt had a wink the night before. Woke up at around 7 plus and ate the fish porridge that mum-in-law cooked, I bite on a piece of fish that stink so much that it made me wanna puke. Indeed, in the end, I vomitted out all the porridge before I can finish it. I guess the fish stinko is too much for me. And my mum-in-law kept saying "don't drink so much water la" as she saw me vomitting when its her porridge that made me puke.

My mum-in-law had alot of wierd reasoning. Like when she saw me drinking water, she'll ask me not to drink so much water. But I'm just drinking a few cups of water as I was feeling so dehydrated from all the vomitting and diarrhoea. Then when she kept seeing that I'm sitting down and resting in bed, she'll keep coming into the room and ask me to walk around. "Dun keep sitting down la, walk around, baby must walk around then better..." Duh... It's not as if I've been sitting down like that for the whole year through. I just wanna rest since I didn't have enough sleep and my stomach wasn't feeling good. It really drives my nerves sometimes. And this morning at 8 plus, she opened the door and came into the room, asked me for breakfast, go down for a walk, told me not to keep lying in bed, baby must walk around. Duh... I finally managed to have a good night's sleep and just woke up when I heard her opening the door. Kinda pissed off as she made me sound like a lazing pig. And I told her I'll go have a walk myself later. Grr... Really dunno what's wrong with her. I thought people normally will ask sick person to rest well for early recovery, but she kept asking me to walk again and again and again and again that it sounds so irritating. Can't she just let the poor mummy to fully recover first before I bring her grandchild to walk again? Think I'll be going to the library or stay out of house the whole day later since I'm feeling better. If not she'll ask me to walk around again if she catches me sitting down watching TV. Sigh...

Hungry now. Gonna make milo liao... Sigh... Can't wait for hubby to be back. Miss him so much.

Ciao~

Room alone (with the baby in me)

Sianz... Hubby's gone to Holland and will be back only on Hari Raya. Sigh, miss him so much. Its ard 2 to 5 degrees over there, hope his nose don't give him too much trouble. Take care of yourself hubby...

So many people around me are preparing for their wedding. Juehui's one will be in Jan, I think her progress is going well, Shufang preparing for her ROM as well. Just attended Dion's wedding on Sunday, gonna attend Joscelyn's wedding on 13-Dec. Phew... all the red bombs dropping in...

I'm still wondering what are the stuffs I have to buy for my coming baby. It's Dec, so expect to have sales coming up everywhere. Good time to buy the remaining stuffs which I've not bought yet. Let me think... towel, cotton wools, rocker, baby bath... I think there's still a list, but I just can't think of what are the things I left out. Hmm... There's JL sale at expo till 8-Dec, probably will go over and see see look look this Sat.

Currently in 31 weeks' pregnancy and I can see my belly button protruding out liao. My colleague says this is a good time to give it a good wash. Ya, true... coz all the while its protruding in and "gao guek" (dirt) accumulates quite easily. Now that its protruding out, can wash easier. Geez...

Going for my bath liao, yawnz...
Miss ya, hubby...

Multiply

Its been a super duper long time since I last log in to Multiply until Juehui asked me to sign up for one so that she can show me her wedding and evening gowns that she had tried on.

Gosh, when I went into my multiply website, I realised that the last update were the photos taken during 2005 x'mas celebration at Marina Square. Wow, its been almost 3 years... Gonna do some update on multiply and upload some new photos.

Browsing at the photos I uploaded in my multiply last time make me feel so aged T_T Sighz, I looked so youthful and sweet (don't puke) during those days. Now... Sighz... *shake head* Hope I will return to original state before pregnany after giving birth.

Just past the 2nd trimester mark. Baby was 1.1kg at around 28 weeks when I went for review on Saturday. Around 12 more weeks to go. Kam-ba-de !